Chapter 1°R: Content To Play Villain

4 Apr

Kelvin McGruder expected to die in the snow.

However, he certainly didn’t expect his hiking staff to start speaking to him.

By all rights, climbing a mountain during a snowstorm on purpose, he deserved to die—even just for evolutionary purposes. It’d been hard for him to even reach the snowy part of the mountain, given his decision to climb it using only a staff for a tool.

Theoretically, people could survive under those conditions for a decent amount of time if they came prepared, knew proper emergency procedures, and could find a way to get help.

Climbing a snowy mountain in shorts and a t-shirt met none of those criteria. Kelvin was dead in about fifteen minutes—

—that is, until his staff happened to come to life and electrocute the living shit out of him.

His heart jolted back to life and his body suddenly became warm as electricity surged through his veins. His eyes opened upon the glowing blue stick in his right hand.

“What the devil..?”

Unexpectedly—unless you’re a Cirno and Purple Steve fan—the staff responded.

“‘Sup, brohaha?”

“Er… did you just speak to me?”

“Uh…… yeah. Uhhuhuhu.” His laugh was strangely deep.

“Why am I alive?”

“‘Cause I’m made of lightning, beyotch!”

“Well, would you mind re-killing me?”

“Uh…… why?”

“I kinda came out here to kill myself, if that wasn’t obvious already.”

“Dude, brutal! You could try getting your hand off of my shaft, uhhuhuhu.”

Kelvin let go of the staff and his body flinched as it was disconnected from the electrical current. However, the heat from the super-charged staff was still enough to keep his body warm.

“You’re making it too hot.”

“Uhhuhu…… gay.”

“Can’t you turn it off or something?”

“I’m lightning, man. I can’t help it. You’ll have to, like, move somewhere else or something.”

Kelvin let out a long sigh.

“I can’t bring myself to get up.”

“Dude, why do you wanna kill yourself?”

Kelvin was silent for a second, then turned to look at the staff, ignoring its lack of a face.

“I don’t see the point of it all. I spent so much time trying to figure out what I want to do, and at the end, I didn’t want to do anything. I figured the best way to get it over with would be to just die on a mountain somewhere.”

The staff waited a second to respond.

“That’s weak, bro.”

“Oh, fuck off, I’ve heard enough of that ‘don’t do it’ spiel.”

“Naw, man, like, you don’t even know. You’re gonna miss like the coolest thing this planet will ever see.”

“…go on?”

“Yeah, that’s why I’m here, bro. I was sent here ’cause these crazy alien demon dudes are gonna destroy the world and stuff.”

“That sounds like a load of shit.”

“Bro, you’re talking to a lightning-bolt-staff-thing.”

Kelvin stirred a little.

“Well, what do I care about all that? I don’t really care if the world gets destroyed.”

“Duuuuude, who said you had to fight against it? It’s not my job to help save the world or nothin’—I’m just here for the show!”

“So, what, you want me to help the alien demon things to take over the world?”

“Yeah, man, it’ll be wicked cool! Those guys are way stronger than your guys—it’ll be like just chaos on Earth. If you’re plannin’ to die anyway, you might as well go out in the middle of all that, man!”

Kelvin mulled over this for a second, but then shook his head angrily.

“But I’m weak! I don’t have any special abilities to fight an intergalactic war!”


“You’re saying I can use you to fight with?”

“Actually, that’s your only option, bro. Thanks to you killing yourself, your heart doesn’t work regularly anymore. You gotta have me around to keep you alive. BUT! Like, I can make you super-strong and give you super-powers and stuff.”

Again, Kevin gave it some thought.

“…I guess I could give it a shot…”

“Yeah, man! It’ll be great! We’ll travel all over the country and find the demon dudes and do crazy stuff! It’ll be way cooler than killing yourself.”

“How will we find the demons?”

“I can sense ’em, man. All you gotta do is walk around with me and I’ll find ’em. You won’t even have to eat or drink or take a dump or sleep or anything you have to do normally, ’cause I’ll be takin’ care of all that.”

Kelvin slowly took the staff in his hand and rose to his feet. The snow flurries that would’ve bombarded him melted before they could reach his body. He felt more energized than ever before as the electricity coursed through his body.

“My name’s Kelvin McGruder. What’s yours?”

“Uh….. my bros call me Bob.”

Thus, Kelvin met Blue Bob.


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